Black and White
by Dysfunctional Serenity
Summary: <html><head></head>Allen gets taken by the Noah, leaving his boyfriend Lavi a mess, only to reappear years later- claiming to be a Noah himself! Struggle with Lavi as he tries to bring back Allen's memories of him and keep him alive!</html>
1. Prologue

No… how had things ever come to this? Just the other day, we were laughing over the same old pranks and bad jokes with the others. How could this ever have happened? This was supposed to be a solo mission- he was never meant to be here! And yet, he had been there… on his hands and knees over me to use his own body as a shield as akuma bullets rained down on us. I was outnumbered and overpowered when I was faced with the Noah Tyki Mykk backed by dozens of level one akuma and a few level twos. I fought as much as I could, praying other exorcist would come to my aid and at the last second, he had appeared with just enough time to save my life. He was badly injured and worn out but still he fought with me, motivating me to go on. Why was he there? Had he followed me? I don't know and I never found the time to ask since we were instantly thrown back into battle after he purified himself. We managed to eliminate all the akuma, however... Tyki proved to be a big problem and it didn't help that both of us were already exhausted.

And now I'm wounded... I can't move. I lay and helplessly watch as Tyki tortures the person responsible for giving me a heart, the person responsible for giving me a reason to live other than to observe and record history... the person that shared with me the experience and warm feeling that people call love.

"Allen!" I screamed as I watched Tyki drop the near lifeless body of my fellow exorcist and secret lover. The foreign feeling of tears slipping down my cheeks went ignored as I tried to force myself to crawl closer to his unmoving body but my limbs wouldn't obey my desperate commands.

"My, are you still alive?" the Noah's voice spoke with amusement as he slightly turned to look at me.

"Bastard…" I glared hard at him, willing my gaze to somehow set this man on fire. His golden eyes, once filled with a sadist joy, suddenly widened with surprise when a hand gripped his leg before he had the chance to walk closer to me.

"You stay… away… from him." the younger teenager's weak voice demanded with such authority. Allen… even in the face of death, he stared ahead without fear. No matter how bad the situation could become, he only looked on with determination. It's something I loved about him but sometimes I just wished that he would leave it be. Like now, he had done enough so why was he still protecting me?

"Ah and you're still alive too, how wonderful. I was worried I had accidentally killed you when I was asked to bring you in alive." Tyki sighed almost in relief, placing a hand over his face as a wicked grin spread on his lips. He bent down to scoop the white haired boy into his arms before tossing him over his shoulder like a useless sack.

"No! Leave him alone!" I yelled, forcing what little moment I could but it only made pain shoot through my whole body.

"It's o..kay… Lavi." Allen wheezed out, his blue eyes looking so content that I was being left alone even if it meant that he was being taken away, now much too weak to fight back or struggle. Up until he finally passed out, my Allen wore that damned reassuring smile that promised that he would make everything okay again. But how was he supposed to make this okay? How was he supposed to chase away this doomed feeling growing in this heart he gave me if he wasn't there to reassure me that he was fine? He was the only thing I that made me truly happy in this world- the only thing that really made me feel like I was alive and a human being and now he was being stolen away! How was I supposed to cope with that? I don't understand!

"Allen! N-no… stop! Give him… give him back!" I shouted but my voice sounded so small now and my vision was fading but even with my darkening sight… I witnessed the sudden disappearance of the Noah who carried my beloved Allen. He just vanished… he was gone… with my Allen. No… it wasn't possible. He was gone. Allen was gone. "Nooo!" I screamed and cried until my voice all but disappeared and then I kept screaming. I was in so much pain… so much pain. I don't understand! _I don't understand_! I want him back! Give him back to me! Give me back my Allen!


	2. Chapter 1

I really wish that there was a 'Chapter 0' option on for the prologues that way I can put the first chapter (this one) as such rather than saying that it's the second. I'm doing complaining. Carry on.

* * *

><p><em>The smile I put on for everyone looking my way to welcome me back slowly became less fake as I neared my destination. I had just returned from a mission and my first stop, other than Komui's office to report my success, was to Allen's room. Man, he must be so surprised to see me since I was returning early so he wouldn't be expecting me back for another two days- he's gonna be so happy! <em>

_I raised my fist to knock on the door leading into a very familiar room, holding my breath as I listened for his voice, his footsteps, his breathing… it felt like so long ago since I had heard any part of him and I missed it. I missed him. _

_"Coming!" he called before I heard a small scratch of wood followed by his footsteps growing louder as he neared the door that separated us. I almost couldn't hold back the desire to throw the door open myself and collect him into my arms- no, I had to be cool about this. Gotta keep my cool. "L-Lavi?" he stammered happily as he opened his door to find me standing there, a wide smile spreading across his face and his brilliant blue eyes gleaming with joy. His white hair still looked as soft as snow, his smile looked just as welcoming, his eyes were just as bright and hopeful, his skin still beckoned my touch, and his lips still called for me to kiss them. He was just as breathtaking as I had left him a few weeks ago when I parted for my mission or maybe that was just because I had forgotten to start breathing again since holding it in earlier. Keep my cool, I said… that apparently went out the window when I threw my arms around him and cuddled him as much as I could. _

_"I'm back Allen, did ya miss me?" I shouted in my playful manner as he backed up into his room in his efforts not to topple backwards from my sudden spring on him though his arms still came around me to return my longing embrace. _

_"I did. Welcome home Lavi." he laughed blissfully and my growing heart fluttered for two reasons. He had no idea what the word 'home' was to me, he was my home. And the way he said my name just drove me crazy! I'd gone weeks without any piece of him and then he says my name with such an affectionate tone- it just wasn't fair! Now that we were completely in his room, I kicked his door closed and moved one hand to cup his face as I pressed my lips to his. I was happy in this moment as he returned my long awaited kiss. I was so relieved he was safe… safe? Where had that… something wasn't right- this all felt wrong. I knew this feeling, there was something I was supposed to remember… something I was supposed to do. _

_Before I had the chance to open my eye, I felt myself falling forward and when my surrounds opened up to me all I could see was darkness and painful memories flashing before my eyes. I shut them out- this had to be a dream- I was just dreaming! That's what I had to remember- this was just a dream and I could control it! I had to wake up! _

_I only decided it was safe to look again when my feet found solid ground but the sight that greeted me was not the good memory with Allen I had tried to focus on… it was the worst one. _

_"Allen!" I screamed in pain and regret with an outstretched arm as I ran forward, trying to reach him as that damn Noah carried him away. But no matter how much I ran or how fast… I just couldn't catch him, I couldn't reach my Allen. I couldn't save him. Tears fell from my eyes again as I felt it coming… the moment that they would disappear forever. And I couldn't watch… not again… but I couldn't look away either. _

_Don't take him… please don't take my Allen away from me… not again.  
>Please.<br>Bring him back. _

"Lavi?" a woman's voice called from the other side of my door, followed by a soft knock that woke me up instantly. "Would you join me for breakfast? You haven't been eating right and if you expect to keep in top form then you need to eat regularly." she lectured and I sat up, rubbing my head. Lenalee. It's not like I was ever acting secretive with my depressive behavior so everyone noticed it. I was still able to complete missions and finish my bookman work, it was my job. I was still at top form because I did eat regularly and I still worked out regardless that I had no motivation to do anything at all… all because it was my job. I would say 'what was that phrase Allen said' but it's not like I could ever forget. Disregarding my photographic memory, I paid extra attention to the things Allen told me especially when it was important things like this.

_"Never stop, always keep walking." _

He said Mana had told him that and he repeated it to me when I was feeling down. He wouldn't want me to sit around wallowing in self pity and so I wasn't. He would want me to continue on and so I was. Not for the world that relied on us, not for the fate of the Bookman Clan, not for Bookman himself, not for the friends I had managed to make here in the Order, not even for myself… it was all for him.

"Lavi?" Lenalee called again when I didn't answer her and she should know that I wouldn't. Since returning home without Allen I hardly spoke a word to anyone, not even Gramps when he lectured me about being so close to Allen. No one ever knew about us… and they most likely would never know that we were more than possible best friends though we never confirmed that either because it was false- we were so much more than that but we were both afraid of what might happen if anyone found out. It's a forbidden love since we're both men, even ignoring that, he's an exorcist while I'm the successor to the Bookman Clan so we couldn't be together anyway but we never let any of that stop us. In this tainted world full of hate and violence, we somehow managed to find love. Even if it was only in secret, we were happy. And now… and now he's gone… he's been missing for just over three years now. Most people believe that he's dead… as for me; you'll notice that I still speak of him in the present tense. That's because I know he's still alive. I just know it in my heart that he can't be dead… this heart that he gave to me, it belonged to him and it knew him so if it tells me that he's still alive then I trust it to be true. _Allen is alive_. I took that as fact even if no one else really believed it.

My eye turned to my door, wondering if the green haired girl had finally given up and gone but I hadn't heard her retreating footsteps yet. Maybe she was just waiting. I sighed and pulled myself from bed to get dressed. Lenalee was the only other person that truly believed that Allen wasn't dead. Like me, she said that she just felt that he was still alive and she was going to trust her heart. As such, I found that she was the only person I could relate to anymore, the only person I could occasionally talk to. I guess there were others that believed he wasn't dead- or rather they just denied the possibility and simply hoped for a way for him to survive this long in Noah hands however impossible we all knew the chances were. Lenalee and I were different. We knew he lived despite his impossible situation; he was Allen Walker so there was no way he wouldn't come out of this and we were both determined to find him and aid him in any way possible.

I opened the door to see the Chief's sister leaning against the railing across the hall from my room. I guess she had been waiting for me even though there was no way to tell if I would've even come out. Guess she still had some faith in me. She smiled brightly at my appearance and linked her arm with mine to drag me to the cafeteria and though I didn't order much, it was still something so Lenalee didn't get upset with me. I would most likely eat later at my own usual time in the solitary of my dimly lit room.

For the first few weeks after Allen's disappearance, my depression and self loathing really showed… I wouldn't talk to anyone and I rarely left my room. I wouldn't eat and I refused to see anyone though Bookman always forced his way in… though even he couldn't reach me in my state. After I established that Allen was definitely alive and that he would be disappointed with my behavior, the following months had me trying to act as I normally would though the charade slowly fell apart and I slipped into total silence and emptiness. I tried, I really did… I just couldn't keep it up. Bookman seemed pleased enough that I was able to continue my work so he stopped giving me such a hard time about the whole thing and honestly I think he sympathizes with how I feel. Sometimes I think that he knows about me and Allen… he's Bookman, he observes and notices everything. There are no secrets to be kept in the presence of a bookman, I should know, I am one and if it were me I would have figured it out a long time ago. Maybe he lost someone he dared to get comfy with so he understands… but that doesn't explain why he never said anything about us both being men. Maybe he doesn't care. I've thought about asking him about it but I don't want to bring it up for a great deal of reasons that I don't really care to list.

My eye lifted from my forgotten food to Lenalee, staring at her gentle and caring smile. I envied her in some small degree for being able to continue the way she was while it was blessing everyday that I was able to haul my sorry ass out of bed. Sure at first she was devastated but once she realized that Allen was alive, she recovered and just talks about having faith that he's doing well. I have that same mindset but just living day to day without him… it's too much for me. Knowing that he's alive is one thing, knowing that he's not safe is another… and simply knowing that I can't hold him in my arms is in a league of worry and depression all of its own. Even though he's alive and even if he somehow was safe… he's still not here with me and that causes me more pain than the others could ever hope to know. Still, even if she didn't have to try to cope with this pain, which I hope she never does, I admired Lenalee for carrying on so strongly when I can't. She always was so supportive of everyone else and I was no exception.

"Lavi?" Lenalee questioned with a concerned expression when she noticed my staring. "Is everything okay?" if everyone else at the table hadn't now turned their expectant eyes to me, maybe I would have answered her but seeing as I didn't feel like sharing with the whole group, I simply nodded and turned away. All was silent for a moment before the girl sitting next to me struck up a new conversation. I've already confined in her about my nightmares of Allen- just the nightmare parts, I'm still not telling about us as a couple so I left out the memories involving us in that way. Though I often wonder why I never actually see Allen disappearing again in my nightmares; I always seem to wake up before that happens. 'If you die in your dream, you die for real.' Or something like that, right? Would watching that scene again kill me? I found it to be the only explanation.

"Last night I was unable to take control of my dream… maybe my resolve is weakening." I admitted on the way back to my room. Lenalee insisted on coming with me and though she wouldn't give me an actual reason I knew it was because she was worried about me and I just had to catch up on some reading I was falling a bit behind on so I didn't mind if she was there, she'd probably get bored and leave anyway.

"Did you see him go?" she asked without hesitation or emotion. She got like this a lot whenever Allen was brought up, just empty… like me.

"No."

"Well maybe that's for the best. You shouldn't have to relive that again." that sad smile… she was trying to be strong for me because she somehow seemed to sense that I was suffering more than she was but she was still trying. Though I was willing to try as well, our conversation ended there and we were silent as we walked back to my room. She stepped in before me as if I would have denied her entry like I have quite a few times in the past but today I didn't mind having her around since I was just going to be reading. I also noticed that she seemed to be comfortable in my room or really just around me in general. I'm no fun to talk to or hang out with anymore but I knew that it was because I shared her pain and her beliefs when it came to Allen. It wasn't very to comforting to hang around a bunch of people that believed your friend was dead when you tried so hard to fight those dreadful thoughts. Around each other, we didn't have to hold on to our hope as if someone would steal it away rather we could open it up to help strengthen the other person's.

Following in after the girl, I walked straight to my bed and plopped down where it was clear of books before opening the one I had left unfinished last night and resumed it. Through my silence, Lenalee distracted herself by looking around my messy room and flipping through a few of the books scattered about. Others would call it messy, I called it lazily organized. The majority of my room had been swallowed by all the books, files, and documents that I had received and collected for my bookman training. Just because they weren't stacked neatly in a corner didn't mean that they weren't in place. I knew right where everything was at so I didn't see the point in redoing everything. Not like it mattered anyway, I was the only one going through all of it and I was the only one that was ever in here other than Bookman though he stopped caring about the state of my room a long time ago- add onto that he understood the cluster all this stuff could cause.

There had been a few times the girl with green haired tried to start a conversation with me but not only was I not up for it at the moment, I was also reading which I tended to get pretty involved in so I wasn't paying much attention to her anyway. I hadn't even realized that she had eventually given up trying as she had probably gotten sick of talking to the wall that I had become.

"Lavi." her strict tone called as she placed her hand over my page to get my attention and though her actions pissed me off since I was in the middle of a sentence, she gained my undivided attention along with a bit of a glare. "Brother wanted to see you sometime today if you were feeling up for a mission." I nodded sharply as I pulled my book away from her hand so I could pretend to continue reading it. She stood straight, sighed, and headed for the exit though she stopped momentarily to look back at me. Ultimately deciding to say nothing, she left. I sighed deeply as I put my book down in favor of running my hands through my hair and down my face. No, I wasn't up for a mission right now but I knew I had to go so again I forced myself from bed to go see Komui.

_Last night Allen was complaining about my mission… he said he had a bad feeling about it that wouldn't go away so I let him sleep with me, hoping that would make him feel better. I slept alright though I woke up a few times throughout the night and I remember him being awake, worry still eating at him. If I was more awake, I probably would have done more to try to ease him but all I could do before falling back asleep was kiss his head and promise him that I would be fine. Eventually he must have fallen asleep and now he was too tired to get up with me as I got ready. I was fine with that, I knew he needed the sleep but when I knelt next to my bed to kiss him before I left for my mission his vibrant eyes smiled up at me and he mumbled such soft words. _

_"Good luck on your mission Lavi." he whispered tiredly before kissing my cheek. "Come back to me in one piece." I smiled, kissed his lips, and let him roll over to get back to sleep. He seemed to be feeling better which made me glad, now I could leave with a clearer mind. _

_I wasn't expecting him to follow me- _

_Screams… his screaming echoed against our surrounds and rang in my ears, adding onto the pain that I felt watching… watching as he was being hurt… so much blood. I was helpless! _

_No- oh god, no! Not again! Bring him back! Please! Give Allen back! _

The loud whistle of the train jolted me from sleep, my head shooting up from the palm of my hand where it had been resting. Once I got through the confusion of recapping where I was and what was going on, I got up to grab my things and got off the train as it had stopped at my destination. The town I was heading to was actually few miles from this one and though I would normally be fine with the walk, I didn't much feel like it today so I rode out with a friendly traveler heading the same direction. He made light conversation and I humored some of it though he seemed to accept that I wasn't much the talking type after a few minutes and went silent for awhile before going off on a rant about some politics that didn't involve me then after that he began singing, a loud tune with a horrible off note voice. Not too long ago he had been singing a kind melody that didn't hurt my ears to listen to, in fact it was rather nice, so it wasn't that he couldn't sing… maybe he was doing it on purpose.

"Huh?" the traveler turned his head to look at me before grinning widely in triumph and continuing with his horrible song. I was laughing. Not at him but rather with him at his attempt to make me do so. I was sure he thought that by singing in such a horrible yet funny way it would get me to cheer up a little from my obvious depressing atmosphere but that's not why I was laughing. I was laughing because of how he reminded me of myself- or at least the old me. I wouldn't have hesitated to do the silliest of things to lift someone's spirits. I used to be very energetic and talkative… and now I just… I existed but I didn't live. I wonder what Allen would say if he met the current me. It would happen one day, well… actually I guess it wouldn't because the moment I saw him again, I would smile and laugh and talk the way I used to even if it was just around him until I got used to it again. It was without him that I've become what I am so if I had him again… I could live. He was my life.

After that, I engaged in some more continuous small talk with the man letting me ride with him to the next town. Because I knew that if Allen was to know about the current me, he would be disappointed and he would be the one doing silly things to cheer me up instead of the other way around. I didn't want to worry him… so I would do what I've always been taught to do. Put on a mask and smile for the rest of the outside world. My entire existence has been one fake life after another and I finally found something true among the lies just to have it taken from me. But I knew he was still out there so for now, until I found him, I could do at least this much because he wouldn't want to see me moping around twenty-four seven.

I laughed at the stupid punch line to a story the traveler told me and as my head turned, I caught a sight that had my eyes widen incredibly and instantly shot out of the carriage to start running but when I checked again… it was gone.

"Hey! What's wrong?" the man shouted back to me as he stopped his horses. I stood still as my visible eye darted all around, trying to locate what I saw. I didn't notice my tears until I felt the uncomfortable build up of moisture under my eye patch but I paid them no mind as I continued to search for the figure I saw- no, it was more than just a figure. It was him- I know it was! I've seen Allen where he wasn't and after _many_ incidents of disturbing random people in an attempt to reach him, I've learned how to tell when it was just his ghost I was seeing and that was no illusion. His eyes weren't empty and colorless like they normally were- I held contact with those eyes and they were the same endlessly beautiful blue eyes I had missed! And though they were dulled as if I was looking up at a cloudy blue sky, they were _alive_. Same eyes, same hair, same scar, same face… it was him- it had to be him. I clutched at my chest, trying to understand the slight warmth I felt swelling up in my heart but at the same time… something felt wrong about it. It was him… I felt it.


	3. Chapter 2

After collecting myself, I told the traveler to go on without me and thoroughly searched the area but could find no trace of Allen anywhere. I even asked every person I saw if they had seen anyone fitting his description but no dice.

I walked the rest of the way to town and got a hotel, feeling defeated. I would have started my mission right away but by the time I reached town, night had set in so I figured I would wait until morning to begin. Add onto that the misery that weighed down on me causing my feet to drag, I didn't feel like doing anything. I reflected on what happened earlier all night, trying to convince myself that what I saw was just another illusion but… I just couldn't do it. He was just too real to shrug off as a mere trick of my mind even if my mind did like to be so cruel to me, it couldn't get _that_ real. I thought about calling Lenalee and talking to her about it to get her input but having my hopes up was hard to deal with so I didn't want to put her through this. If I saw this 'real' him again then I guess I'll tell her but until then, I would hold my tongue to spare her this pain.

I wasn't sure when it started… but I had eventually started to cry and curled into myself as I clutched at my chest, at my aching heart. I couldn't overlook this at a trick… I felt it was him. My heart told me that it was him so it had to be. It had to be… I wanted- no, I _needed_ it to be him.

… … …

I must have passed out at some point in the night and I woke up later than usual with a stiff body from being curled up so tightly, sore eyes from crying, a slight headache, and a still aching heart. I was off to a late start on my mission but I guess that was okay, not like anyone was expecting me or anything. I first stopped to grab something to eat before starting but found that there wasn't anyone at the restaurant I went to… come to think of it, I hadn't run into anyone at all. I continued to walk around town but I couldn't find a soul.

"Hello!" I shouted with my hands cupped around my mouth but I never received an answer… I had a bad feeling about this. I searched the whole town but there really wasn't anyone there. There wasn't even a sign of a struggle… I really didn't like this. Where was everyone?

Suddenly out of the corner of my eye, I saw movement and immediately jumped out of the way as I retrieved my hammer from its holster on my thigh where it wait at the ready. Sure enough, the bullet that had come at me belonged to a level one akuma which was easily disposed of though more rose from behind the buildings surrounding me. Gritting my teeth, I got to work destroying each of them.

Were all the people in town killed by these akuma? No, it wasn't possible for numerous reasons. If akuma were the cause of what happened here, there would have been corpses left behind- or rather, dust. If akuma were firing on the town there would have been damage done and there's no way I wouldn't have woken up. And finally, simple level ones were rather stupid so there's no way they would've done something like this. It was obvious that I was the target since I was the only one left untouched so no akuma would have done this rather than come straight at me, that's just how they worked. They got rid of the threat first. All things considered, I concluded that there had to be someone behind them pulling the strings and the only thing I could think of that could orchestrate this twisted plan… was a Noah.

"Alright you bastard Noah," I called into the air once all the akuma that had ambushed me were destroyed. "I know you're around here somewhere watching and I will find you so why don't you just make this easier on both of us and come out?" I panted, trying to catch my breath as I waited for some sort of answer.

"Very good," at the sound of a darkly amused voice and clapping I spun around to face whoever was there and froze at the sight before my emerald green eye. "Your reputation precedes you, Mr. Lavi. That is still your current name, is it not?" he chuckled as he lowered his hands onto his crossed knees. He sat on the edge of a destroyed roof wearing a fine black tailored suit, a red ribbon tied around his neck in place of a tie, clean white gloves hugging his hands, and an innocent smile that hid dark intentions though it could fool anyone.

"No way…" I muttered to myself, trying to ignore the painful beating of my heart and the tears that slowly fell from my eyes. Empty blue eyes stared at me as if observing something that was fun to play with and the red scar over his left eye seemed to mock me. Everything came together and it broke my heart. This couldn't be real… please tell me this wasn't real. I know I wanted so desperately to see him but not like this… please, not like this! "Allen…" his white near shoulder length hair and choppy bangs fell over his pale face as he tilted his head, his eyebrows slightly knitting together in confusion though his clouded eyes held not even an echo of such emotion- or any at all. He looked the exact same but… this wasn't my Allen. Something happened to him, the Noah- the Millennium Earl did something to him.

"You've heard of me?" he looked upward as if thinking something through. "I don't believe I've ever left any survivors to tell of me though." another direct stab to the heart at the confirmation of my suspicions. He was behind the disappearances and it was pretty much guaranteed that they were dead… Allen killed them. But… maybe there was a chance they were still alive? Yes, the townspeople… they're what's important right now.

"What…" my voice was small and frail, on the verge of breaking. The townspeople, the missing people. I had to find out what he'd done with them. "What happened to you?" my words betrayed my business mind to side with my breaking heart.

"…'what happened to me'?" this transformed Allen asked in confusion and disbelief. "I was looking forward to the usual 'what have you done' or 'tell me where my friends are' but that's a new one. You have my thanks for the surprise, it's not often that happens and it's a nice change." he slightly bowed his head to me with a twisted smirk growing on his lips. What was he talking about? Why was he acting like this? Did he not… no. No, please- no!

"Allen… do you… do you not know who I am?" my cracked voice questioned, filled with so much pain and desperation. Please say yes… please show me some sign that you're still in there. Please Allen, I need you _so_ much right now.

"Should I?" he simply asked without care and a quirked brow as if I was an idiot for even speaking. I felt whatever was left of my heart shatter then and all the hope I was able to cling to these past years were just swept away. He didn't recognize me… he didn't know who I was… he didn't love me. "Now," he jumped down from the roof and landed perfectly on the ground. "Enough with this useless chatter." his smile that had seemed so innocent was now a full toothy grin that revealed nothing but pure sadism. What have they done to him? "I want to see what your insides look like." he laughed as he walked closer to me. What have they done to you? I dropped my weapon which stopped the other's movement and replaced his evil expression with one of confusion. What have they done to my Allen? I dropped to my knees and spread my arms to my sides with my head lowered, watching and listening to my tears hit the ground below me. "What are you doing?" he asked after a few long moments, nothing but confusion and disbelief in his voice. That was better… my Allen shouldn't sound so menacing and uncaring. It just wasn't him.

"I'm not going to fight you Allen." I was glad to hear that my voice sounded stronger, I wouldn't say that it sounded determined but it sounded sure. "You should know that I love you Allen and would never do anything to hurt you. You're my life so if you truly want to kill me then it's your life to take." at his bewildered silence, I slowly lifted my head to look up at him with the most loving and reassuring smile I could muster. "Not that I'm trying to save myself or anything but I only ask that you try to remember me. As a dead man, that's my final wish." saying that he was shocked by this turn of events was understatement. He was completely dumbfounded. "Please remember me Allen." I begged with tears still pouring from my eyes as I lowered my head, hating that my voice cracked again.

"I… I don't understand you." I heard his footsteps getting closer to me. "I've been watching you for some time now and I don't believe anyone's seen you like this." he's been watching me? I wonder for how long… I only left headquarters when I was out on a mission so unless he's been somehow able to spy on me there, I don't think he actually knows much about me. I didn't even flinch when he kicked my hammer away from me and knelt next to me, painfully jerking my chin up to look into my only visible eye as if searching for something. The emotions I always shut out from the world now reflected in my eye, my voice, my words, my every movement… and he was staring straight into the mess that was me. After a while he glared at me and released my face from his grip though didn't move away from me. Through that I remained where I was without so much as a flinch, showing him that I meant what I said about everything. "Trickery and manipulation is my specialty so I can tell that you're not just trying to confuse me. You're being honest…" he trailed off, glaring angrily at me. More tears hit me and a small sob escaped from my lips along with a weak laugh as I finally dropped my arms onto my lap, feeling much more comfortable. He was still there. "What's so funny?" his glare hardened but I only saw confusion in those clouded eyes of his.

"You always give me that confused glare whenever I do something you're not able to understand." as I spoke I oh so hesitantly lifted my hand to his face, his suspicious eyes watching it the entire time as if it were acid and sure enough before I could actually touch him, he jerked his head away but still didn't move away. I lowered my hand to show that I wouldn't try to touch him again. Time seemed to cease existing as he stared into my eye and I could almost see the thoughts of memories running passed those foggy eyes of his but judging by his lack of a reaction, I doubted I was contained in any of them. He was trying though… he was trying to remember me. I'm sure it was just to fulfill his own curiosity but… somehow I knew it was more than that. If it was just for himself, he would just kill me and then think it through on his own time so why? Is it possible that he was actually trying to grant my last wish? Even if he wasn't able to, he was trying… that made me happy and I could die happily just knowing that he did try to remember me. "Allen…" I breathed his name softly, more like it just rolled off of my slow exhale as I tried to breathe him in. I was sad that he didn't smell like my Allen but that was most likely due to the company he's been keeping, maybe I could fix that. "Allen." I raised my voice slightly and he suddenly drew away from me, climbing to his feet taking a few steps back as if I was somehow labeled as a dangerous threat. "Allen?"

"Stop that." he growled menacingly at me, slightly baring his teeth that looked sharper than I remember them being. He cleared his throat to compose himself, brushed imaginary dirt off his long coat as he stood straighter, looked back at me for a moment, and turned away to start walking. At the sight of his retreating back, all the pain and misery I've been carrying around for years suddenly returned as if this encounter had been scooping it all up into a cramped closet and this moment harshly threw it open again to allow it all to drown me.

"Allen wait- please don't leave me again!" I screamed as I scrambled to my feet to chase after him. In my mind I saw him over Tyki's shoulder as he was being forced away, looking at me with those sad nearly lifeless eyes, and wearing that damn reassuring smile that promised me everything would be alright when it so clearly wouldn't. This was the moment… I couldn't let him go again- I had to catch up this time. I couldn't witness him disappear again! I _couldn't_- not again! "Allen!" I threw myself forward as he finally turned to face me again.

_Please.  
>Just give me this one thing…<br>Let me reach him in time. _

… … …

"Ah- Lavi, just the distraction I've been looking for!" Komui's voice shouted cheerfully over the line, causing me to pull the phone away from my ear. Normally I could handle his joyous screaming but I had a massive headache.

"I'll be returning home tomorrow." I told him, cutting to the chase. "You're uh… you're going to have to get someone else to do this mission." I sighed heavily, trying to even remember what my original mission was but all I could think about was Allen.

"Is there something wrong?" he asked, his voice filling with concern. I told him about the missing townsfolk, passing the unfortunate news that there was next to no chance they were alive and I also told him about akuma ambush before trailing off. Did I tell him about Allen? If he actually believed me, he would surely have to tell everyone else and… he would be labeled an enemy. What if something happened to him while he was under the Noah's control? It would be my fault. But if I didn't at least warn the Order of this… not only would I get into a lot of trouble but I would be putting everyone else in danger. What should I do? "Lavi?" the Chief's worried voice pulled me from my thoughts.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm still here. I'll be home tomorrow so send someone else." I stated, trying to keep my voice as normal as possible. Were you still watching me Allen? Could you see that I wasn't going to turn you in? You are far more important to me.

"Alright, I will. Be careful on your way back, it's highly unlikely that those akuma were acting on their own. It's possible that you've become a target so take extra caution."

"I will." I hung up after that, staring down at the phone with a rueful expression. I was a target but somehow, I didn't feel like I was in danger. Whether it was because I was spared yesterday or simply because I didn't care if he killed me, I wasn't sure.

Walking back up to the room I had gotten before everyone went missing, I got my things together though it's not like I had even unpacked anything since I've spent all of my time collapsed and curled up on the bed. I wasn't really even sure why I was so anxious to get back to the headquarters, it's not like anything or anyone was really waiting there for me. In fact, I was returning to my full and messy yet empty room to do the same thing I was doing here. I guess I just felt safer sulking in my own room. Maybe Lenalee wouldn't mind sitting with me for a few minutes… having her around was a bit calming. Though I have no idea how I would face her questions about my neglected mission.

…

_It was just a skim, a slight brushing of clothing before he moved out of the way of my desperate fingers. Regardless, I was happy. I stopped him- I reached him. _

_"What are you doing?" he growled with a harsh glare that I only smiled back at, clutching my fingers as if I just managed to touch some sacred treasure. _

_"I reached you…" I muttered more to myself, staring at him with an almost peaceful expression. "Maybe now the nightmares will stop." his eyebrows knit together as he gave me a strange look though he said nothing. Of course he still left but his back wasn't turned to me and I wasn't helpless this time. I let him go after that. The pain from him suddenly being gone still hit me like a solid rock but laughter poured from my lips along with the sobs that accompanied my tears. I was in a delusional state. Part of me still couldn't believe what had just happened. I was happy and more torn up than before yet I was at peace at the same time. All these jumbled emotions conflicted with one another and caused my mind to crumble. _

_I found myself lying on my hotel bed the next morning sore and with a killer headache. I gave it a few minutes before getting up to call Komui._

… … …

I groaned at the loud persistent knock at my door.

"Come in!" I called, knowing that it was Lenalee. I had long since gotten used to her knock, not to mention that she's the only person that knocked on my door. Other than her, Bookman was the only person that ever came to my room and he just waltzed in. Speaking of Bookman, I had received a lecture for my incomplete mission but I finally got him to leave me alone about it just a little awhile ago.

"Wow you actually let me come in right away and you raised your voice too." the green haired girl smiled warmly as she opened the door and stepped in.

"Yeah, I decided that I'm going to try harder to be myself." I let a small smile show as I sat up from where I previously had my face shoved into my pillow. If I was going to get Allen to remember me, I needed to be me and not this sad excuse of a man I've become.

"Really? What made you decide that?" she asked as she sat next to me. My gaze dropped for a few long minutes. I had already decided to tell her about Allen because not only would she believe me about his sudden appearance and about his being manipulated, but she could help me figure out what to do about it. And really, she's always been the only person I could actually talk to about Allen so there was that too. Finally, I looked back up at her with a serious expression so she would know that I was telling the truth.

"I found Allen, or rather... he found me."

* * *

><p>Great drop off point, huh? Aren't I fantastic?<p> 


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